Christmas doesn't have to be perfect w/ Naomi Victoria

Episode 30 - Christmas doesn't have to be perfect

Transcript

:: 00:03

Welcome to mental wealth, the podcast to invest in your mind. Here I will help you make sense of your mind and behaviours, giving you the tools to have your best life. There is so much to share, so let's get into this episode and explore another great topic.

:: 00:22

this is our last episode for: 2023

:: 00:41

We have this pressure around Christmas being perfect and I couldn't have thought of anyone better to share this space with me than my lovely friend Naomi Victoria. So welcome Naomi.

:: 00:58

Thank you for having me. It's lovely to be here with you.

:: 01:18

Ohh, it's great. And you and I wrote an article together for Cheshire Life which is currently in the Christmas edition now. And that's why again, it just feels so right for us, doesn't it? To bring to life that article and what we think about Christmas, but firstly. Tell everyone a little bit more about you.

:: 01:21

So i'm Naomi Victoria. As you've said, Victoria is actually my middle name. I dropped my surname a while ago and fully stepped into my name of name Victoria when I became an author and wrote my first book. But I say I am passionate about people, positivity and products.

:: 01:42

I'm a huge lover of life and I like.

:: 01:45

To work with people.

:: 01:46

To help them feel good in the everyday, however, which way I do that, whether that's working with them in education, in terms of mental health and suicide prevention, or whether it's creating products that they feel good.

:: 02:00

To to wear or to you know, candles that light up life. So there's lots of different things that I do.

:: 02:06

Brilliant. And we're both sitting here with our lovely hoodies on. I've got mine that says I'm being me and you've got one that says Hope. So, how beautiful is that?

:: 02:15

Wearing our Hug in a hoodies.

:: 02:16

:: 02:17

They're beautiful because they've got thumb holes and it's quite cold outside today.

:: 02:27

exactly. It's proper christmassy. OK, so let's just think about Christmas and how it can be such a magical time and it's got so much potential to be magical because of all the things that we tradition tells us, or that things tell us. But for some it can be so hard, can't it? And I want to just, I want to talk about the good stuff, but I do want us to.

:: 02:43

Hone in on kind of a little bit of the reality, what it might be like.

:: 02:47

Some people and then I think let's do a kind of top tips for how to make this Christmas period as fun or as relaxing as possible.

:: 02:58

:: 02:58

And when you say it, you know, for for some, I actually think for many. So I think there's a lot of people we have a perception of Christmas being all, you know, glitz and glamour and celebrating and and all the kind of superficial stuff where I think.

:: 03:19

Very often, most people have.

:: 03:24

All the feelings that come up, feelings of pressure or stress, or overwhelm or feelings of anxiety because.

:: 03:32

:: 03:33

We get into this period where it's quite forced in terms of the dates and the kind of the run up to the festive season and all the things that we see online. You know, we talk a lot, don't we, about things that happen in the media.

:: 03:46

You every time you switch the television on it's it's like this so-called perfect family.

:: 03:51

Christmas of everybody and you know, gathering and having an amazing time. And whilst we, many of us have pockets of that amazing time, most of us have pockets of stress, overwhelm, frustration and and all of the other things that come with it. And you know, I don't know anybody actually that I've spoken to.

:: 04:11

:: 04:13

That Christmas is seamless, or actually any of the life is seamless. You know, we all have. It's it's all ebbs and flows, isn't it?

:: 04:32

So I think so. And I think that's the bit that I like to highlight is that sometimes the pressure comes because of the ideal we we're trying to make it ideal and perfect and wonderful, but reality is it's really hard to do that because we're all busy anyway, so we're all trying to manage our jobs and our work and our normal life, and then suddenly we've got all these other things thrown in, like buying people presents and decorating the house and buying the shopping and things that just feel so much more. And then I think that pressure.

:: 04:53

Around trying to make it perfect is so much more difficult and then we've got that sort of just that general hassle factor. The bit around, you know, what is hassle, you know, suddenly realised that you've run out of cello tape or something that just is quite small but actually suddenly stacked up. It suddenly feels like.

:: 05:12

A big deal.

:: 05:13

And I think again, we need to pause and think about what actually is going on.

:: 05:18

Yeah, I think.

:: 05:18

Totally, I think it is just that.

:: 05:20

Like you said.

:: 05:20

Like the added.

:: 05:22

I'm gonna use that word pressure again, the pressure of everything and.

:: 05:27

And the deadline date. Why everything has to be done by this date, because the shops are closing all the online shopping's ending or.

:: 05:37

And we'll talk about money again in, in a little bit because I know that's a huge thing for for many. But I think it is when we the lists get bigger, don't they the To Do List gets bigger. Yeah. And there's just so much pressure isn't always round. You know, we talk, we talk about lots of the same thing, but we talk about slightly different.

:: 05:56

Things as well in terms of.

:: 05:57

Experiences that we've had in in our lives, and I know one thing I talk about hugely is loneliness at Christmas. So like the pressure of the perceived, the perceived family life, and then actually, if you are not in.

:: 06:16

That dynamic of of being able to be surrounded by family and being alone of how that actually makes you feel around the festive season when it's almost like rammed in our faces that you know that's the ideal and but equally loneliness when you are in a family.

:: 06:39

But you're lonely. You know, people can be lonelier in a marriage, in a relationship, than they actually are. If they are physically alone. So loneliness is something like I talk about a lot, and I think.

:: 06:53

This time of year it's height. It is hugely heightened.

:: 06:57

Yeah, I agree with you there. I think whatever your scenario is.

:: 07:01

You know, you might.

:: 07:02

Not have the relationships in your families. I mean that's that's actually part of my story is I don't.

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Have the relationship.

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In some with some people in my family, some significant people. And then at Christmas it just.

:: 07:13

Feels really exaggerated.

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Not there. It might be that they're actually not there from a grief perspective, but or sometimes they are there, but they're not there in your life.

:: 07:22

And it can feel really.

:: 07:24

Horrible actually. I mean, I've had a few moments of thinking like that myself this year, as I would every year. So I think it is about that, that perfect ideal. And then the reality for so many people.

:: 07:36

It's just so much hard.

:: 07:37

To that took to that. Like you say that spotlight, it's like that was the time when we all do these wonderful things and have all this wonderful time. And actually the reality is not that. And I think with relationships, you know, again I work with a lot of people around relationships and sometimes the thought of being stuck in with the person that you actually haven't really got on with.

:: 07:58

All year round, but suddenly all the other things are not there. You're you're not going to work. You're not getting that space and and how many people actually are in that position.

:: 08:10

Yeah, totally. I think I think across the board, whether you know, I talk about like empty nesting and all sorts of stuff, but you know you you know first hand like I've experienced quite a lot of loss in my life. I've lost my mum, my dad, my brother and each year obviously that does, you know I find different ways.

:: 08:31

And we said we'd talk about ways I have a bit of a ritual on Christmas Eve, actually, where I and I start to prep Christmas dinner and and things because I go to my sister's.

:: 08:42

Christmas and but I help out so I can do stuff Christmas Eve. But I make flower arrangements so I make wreaths on Christmas Eve for my loved and lost, which we then take on on by the late Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and that's become a really lovely way for me to kind of feel.

:: 09:03

Bed with those family members and and be able to kind of like light a candle and and and and feel that around that around that time. So there is things that we can do that help us help us sort of connect with with that where we always used to have a family Kitty and because we had a really big family. So I've got like.

:: 09:23

Had like my dad and stepmom and half brothers and sister, we had, like, a a big extended family and that has.

:: 09:29

Dwindled over the years.

:: 09:31

That, that, that, then I still feel like I've got that gift in the kitchen. We'll still put the money in the Kitty, which buys the the kind of flowers and things like that. Which is nice because it it feels.

:: 09:42

That that.

:: 09:42

Sort of comes.

:: 09:43

Together, but I think whether it is.

:: 09:46

You know, there's people that are coming out of relationships. There is people that have lost loved ones. There's also, you know, the whole empty nesting syndrome. And you know, I I know myself. I've got teenage girls and single mom.

:: 10:00

The growing up my 19 year olds off away abroad at the moment and I think when the dynamics start to change their where they get boyfriends and partners and and then want to have Christmas elsewhere, then that there's a change in balance there as well, isn't there in terms of you feeling not you know the loneliness kicking in?

:: 10:20

Of actually the dynamics are changing.

:: 10:22

So there's lots of different.

:: 10:24

Aspects of it, but I think it is how you learn to connect with yourself during those those times and actually filling your own cup up and finding things that that help you.

:: 10:37

As an individual.

:: 10:38

Like I think if you don't do that, if you don't put any attention on what you need, then you end up just probably sitting with all the thoughts of what's not there anymore. The fact it's changed, the fact that that person isn't there, that all whatever it is that's happened to you, you end up then feeling quite stuck really. And I think that's something that.

:: 10:59

Can happen if you don't pay attention to the what are you gonna do?

:: 11:03

About it.

:: 11:04

Yeah, I was actually out walking with my friend earlier this morning and and.

:: 11:07

We were. I was talking about two.

:: 11:08

Words which is rejection and abandonment and and.

:: 11:13

Those are two words that.

:: 11:14

Come up quite.

:: 11:14

A lot actually, in terms of loneliness, and it's not always rejects, you know, even loss brings feelings of of abandonment.

:: 11:23

And if you're not invited somewhere, so you know if you're single and people are having a couples dinner party and you don't get invited or, you know, I remember actually when I first got divorced of couples party happening sort of dinner parties and things like that around the Christmas time and.

:: 11:41

Neither of us being invited because people didn't want to take sides, so therefore, then you're both sort of like feeling that they're that feeling of rejection. So rejection doesn't necessarily have to be a feeling when you know, like a relationships ended or just that in a feeling that comes up. So for me, I'm often going like, what's the? So I personally work with a plan.

:: 12:01

The Plan B, so I kind of go the here's the plan a of what I think I would like to happen this Christmas.

:: 12:08

But you know, if the kids decide that they're going on, gonna go to the dads for a week, cause they've got stuff going on here or they're going to friends or having sleepovers. What is my plan, B? So that I'm always looking after and I'm not feeling lost alone, abandoned, rejected to actually just have that plan being for myself.

:: 12:27

I think it's really important that we're talking about these things at Christmas time, because this is this.

:: 12:32

Sort of the dilemma that I think people are in is that we aren't necessarily being honest with how we might be feeling. So then we don't put anything in place because we're so busy looking at the dream Christmas on TV and all the stuff that people create. And actually, you know, it isn't like that at all. I think something else that I've thought of a few things as you.

:: 12:52

Were talking there.

:: 12:53

Is about that relationship you've got with yourself around expectations. I think it's so important, isn't it? Again, the scenario would be you've got a grown up family now and then people are going to party.

:: 13:06

As families, and you're now not going. And how do you manage all of that and how some people feel very stretched or they're trying to see that person on Christmas morning and then that person for dinner and then that person in the afternoon and it just is exhausting?

:: 13:22

For just one day, believe it or not.

:: 13:23

Well, that's what I often used to kind of. That was one of my strategies. If I was ever in that situation was like, hang on. It's just one day. Surely we just stretch the whole thing out and just see people across the holiday period and not be obsessed with this one day that we must must.

:: 13:42

Fit ourselves and be in 10 places at once.

:: 13:45

Totally ah, 100% agree with you.

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And I think you.

:: 13:49

Know as much as we can unpick that.

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Pressure on ourselves to go. You know what? It's actually OK to say. I'm not seeing you on Christmas Day. I'm gonna see you Christmas Eve or Chris or Boxing Day or even, you know, that all that we have in between Christmas and New Year where we go from being like fully.

:: 14:10

Fully charged And then actually we do create ourselves a bit of a void very, very often.

:: 14:17

Yeah, and that has.

:: 14:17

Its own, you know, emotions and things that come up sometimes at at that time. So I think it is about putting it on into perspective, isn't it and?

:: 14:27

I think so, and I think it's, you know, that they lost and people feel lost when you talk about that low period in between and if you're not going into work, people do need to have something to kind of structure, a little mini structure. But I think one of the things I like to talk about is that internal chitchat, the obligations.

:: 14:46

The should's the ought's or I must do it. I've always done this, you know. No one else is going to do it. If I don't. And. And when we get to the underneath that when we sort of lift the lid on that, it's not actually often true. You know, people often aren't expecting you to to do Christmas or you know if you actually have the courage to say.

:: 15:06

You know what? I'm gonna come that day. Not this day. Most people like, OK. I mean, obviously there'll be some kick back.

:: 15:12

:: 15:14

It's about opening up conversations, as is everything in life of actually not like you say, having the courage not, not sitting in the fear that you're gonna be judged if you step up and say, how do you feel? Doesn't necessarily have to be going and doing this. How do you feel if we switch it up this year and we do, you know, we work in a slightly different way.

:: 15:33

What you.

:: 15:35

Potentially find is that the other person or the other people involved in that are actually quite relieved that you've come up with a suggestion because they're feeling the same, but nobody's actually opened the conversation up to to have it in the 1st place. It. Yeah, and that's that's it, isn't it? It's just being able to sort of speak up and.

:: 15:54

I use the word courage a lot in what I talk about because you know courage. Yes, it's gonna be. It's gonna feel a bit scary if you for the first time in 20 years, you're going to suggest something different. But as you say, sometimes it's a relief. And I think the other thing that I always think about is if they are people who genuinely care about you.

:: 16:13

And you've explained, maybe, you know, we don't have to justify why we're asking for this, but maybe explained why this might work better for you if they care about you.

:: 16:24

Generally, most people will go, of course. Of course you need to do that. If they don't, if they are judgy, and when I, you know, again, this is a bit of my experience I used to.

:: 16:33

Get judged for.

:: 16:34

It they they're not really caring for me at all.

:: 16:37

They're just talking about themselves and they're.

:: 16:39

Feeling bothered. And I think it's having the courage to stand in your own truth, isn't it? I mean, that's our whole thing about our affirmations, isn't it, Naomi, about standing in your truth being, I mean, my hoodie says here I'm being me. You know, if if I'm not being me, then I'm probably doing things for other people. That actually isn't right.

:: 16:57

And I think I think what that comes from where you mentioned then about you know somebody stepping up and actually.

:: 17:04

You know, feeling uncomfortable, having the courage and and speaking and saying that is the other person. If they do react badly, it's probably because you're triggering their wounds in terms of rejection and abandonment of them, taking it about them instead of looking at the situation of you and how that dynamic is so. It's kind of like, you know, if somebody says to.

:: 17:24

You. I'm not gonna come for Christmas.

:: 17:26

Because it's easier for me to be able to.

:: 17:29

To come to do Boxing Day, something else them going. What's wrong with me? Why don't they want to come to Christmas? You know, with me. Did they not enjoy themselves last year? Have you know, and actually internalising that? So I think it's advice to people on the on both ends of knowing.

:: 17:49

That you know, if somebody says something like that.

:: 17:52

It's not. You don't take it personally then it's.

:: 17:55

You it's just about having the conversation and and and both being human beings with our own, you know, beliefs and and needs and wants and and all of that kind of stuff. And it's a judgement is something I talk about a lot in a judgement and external judgement and because you know as much as other you feel judged by other people.

:: 18:16

Our internal critics.

:: 18:17

That play out are the worst.

:: 18:20

They are jokes.

:: 18:21

A little mind. Well, we all have mine monkeys. Don't with it, sit on our shoulder telling us what we should. You know that that word should what we should be doing or we're not doing good enough or.

:: 18:32

All of that, even down to. So I I joke and and and I don't want to offend anybody because I'm gonna say the name of my mind monkey. It's nothing personal. If anybody's called Felicity. But I I did name my mind monkey a few years ago Felicity and she's an absolute pain in the bum because she's a super.

:: 18:52

She's a massive perfectionist and she has to have everything absolutely perfect. Nothing's ever good enough and and thankfully over the years I have silenced, silenced her a lot.

:: 19:03

So again, if you have got that sort of in a dialogue, playing out is sometimes giving it a bit of an identity. Yeah, I can. I can identify when she's playing out when she wants me to rewrap the Christmas presents because they don't match wherever I'm going or the bows are done perfectly, which you'll know, I I love bows.

:: 19:23

Because I create them in my products all the time, but she is a massive perfectionist and even in the office now I joke and I go right. Felicity is taking over now, so we just need to we just.

:: 19:32

Need to go and have a cuppa.

:: 19:33

And and carry on because she's quite an extreme perfectionist. So I think it is sometimes about identifying that inner critic, giving it a bit of an identity and being able to tell it to be quiet. But that is actually helpful. It's not helping you in any way shape or form.

:: 19:51

I think that I I love.

:: 19:52

That, and I've done a lot of that.

:: 19:54

In in my work, myself and others, and I share, don't mind sharing with you. I had mine at some point were like.

:: 20:02

3 little kid.

:: 20:03

And and they were only ever allowed to come on my days out or come out with me if they were quiet in the back seat. You know, they were. I would have this whole dialogue with with these three little kids that were really naughty and really giving me a hard time. But I think coming back to your point, which I think is really powerful is the.

:: 20:23

When we feel.

:: 20:25

Upset. Offended. Rejected as you say, abandoned by other people's behaviours, you know. Anyways, talk about.

:: 20:33

And that emotional brain that is connected to all of your inner beliefs is five times quicker than anything that's logical. So when someone says, oh, can I talk about Christmas? It's it's like, boom. Ohh my gosh, it's there. That response is there. And what I always talk about talk about this in leadership in.

:: 20:56

And individually is just being able to just manage.

:: 21:00

That little bit of.

:: 21:01

Feeling and then we can think a bit straighter then we can think a little bit more. But if we respond with that feeling, that's where you go to the are being rejected that they don't like me anymore. Oh, they must have had a horrible time last year because the brain makes up.

:: 21:16

Things, when it hasn't got anything in there.

:: 21:19

And I think actually if you do need to have a conversation about Christmas instead of saying I need to talk about Christmas, which.

:: 21:24

Then I'll go.

:: 21:26

Defences up of going. I've been thinking about Christmas and then moved quite quickly into it. I've I've been thinking about Christmas and I feel this year for me it would be better and do make it about you.

:: 21:38

About yeah, that's a good strategy, isn't it?

:: 21:43

So and the same goes for present giving, doesn't it? Because that's always a tricky one as well, when particularly in family dynamics where you've got different, you know, maybe different financial capabilities, let's, let's say, yeah, yeah.

:: 22:00

And you know, one person in the family might be thinking, absolutely dreading the thought of Christmas because of the expectation that they know they feel that they need to give the gifts that other people are giving them and and they're giving receiving.

:: 22:17

So I think that's equally allowing yourself to be open and and, you know, being able to think about things that maybe just a a little bit thoughtful as opposed to expensive and or not at all and going do you know what this year I'm just not in a position to be able to to do it and.

:: 22:36

But again, it's about conversation, isn't it? It's about communication.

:: 22:40

It's about, you know.

:: 22:41

Be having the courage.

:: 22:44

To be able to to have those conversations and equally if somebody does want to get, so say if you're in a position where you know you literally can't afford Christmas because you've just got, you know, your family to prioritise in terms of your kids or you know, people that maybe if you've got younger children that kind of won't understand so much that.

:: 23:04

Santa hasn't been or whatever else, but then actually speaking to other members of the family to go, you know, if they still want to give to you, actually, that's absolutely fine. It doesn't have to all.

:: 23:15

To be on equal, you know, I think sometimes the pressure of what she's spending that much on me, so I need to spend that much on her of actually ditching a little bit of that because it's, you know, it's not what Christmas is all about, let's face it. So I think again, it's just about the communication.

:: 23:32

Lines there isn't.

:: 23:32

Yeah, it feels to me like almost like.

:: 23:35

Permission. You'll give yourself permission for it to be OK to buy whatever or treat somebody in a different way. You know, be. I think we've become a bit better at being more creative around gifts, but I do also know that there are so many people.

:: 23:50

Who have this sort of?

:: 23:51

Idea in their head that they need.

:: 23:52

To spend you know.

:: 23:54

£100 on each person and it's it's. Is it realistic at it? It probably.

:: 23:59

Isn't and I?

:: 24:00

Think you know there are a lot of people out there who are very worried about money? There's absolutely no doubt about that. And I think Christmas just puts a great big hole in what they're already worried about.

:: 24:11

Yeah, exactly.

:: 24:13

So let's have a.

:: 24:14

Little thing we've we've done a.

:: 24:15

Few as we've.

:: 24:16

Been going along a few little tips, but a few of our.

:: 24:20

Tips and I think one of.

:: 24:21

The ones that I know we've talked about.

:: 24:23

Before is is.

:: 24:24

That being OK with taking some time out, if you've got a house full of people or a big massive schedule of of.

:: 24:35

Social activities or whatever you want to call them across the Christmas period, but actually giving yourself permission and creating the space to just be on your own or go for that walk or do something that has that bath in the middle of the day if you want to do something that you almost wouldn't normally do. And I know you definitely like.

:: 24:55

To talk about.

:: 24:56

People doing that kind of thing.

:: 24:58

And and and it's something the reason why I like to talk about it a lot is because something I never used to do. So if you'd met me probably 10-15 years ago, I was such a massive people pleaser. I had no personal boundaries in place at all. And and it's actually exhausting. I and everything I did was.

:: 25:19

And I had the need for external validation.

:: 25:21

All of the time it was.

:: 25:22

Quite a drama queen and and and and.

:: 25:24

I I actually used to.

:: 25:28

Probably place my happiness on everybody else's responsibility, so I used to make it everybody's responsibility to to make me happy. And if they've upset me, then I'm unhappy and and over the years I've done a huge.

:: 25:39

Amount of self.

:: 25:40

Development work and you know, understand and create my own in happy and know that it is fully my responsibility to step into my.

:: 25:50

Unhappiness. And that's where a lot of my routines and.

:: 25:54

My own personal boundaries have come in. Was actually laughing at it this morning.

:: 25:57

Cause I've been.

:: 25:58

So busy at work for the last few weeks.

:: 26:00

Obviously cause we're.

:: 26:00

Doing you know, products that are busy around Christmas time, well all year round, but particularly busy at the moment with Christmas and sales and and all of that kind of stuff.

:: 26:10

Now I've let some of my own personal self-care drop off a bit and I start anxiety coming in so I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up in the early hours feeling really anxious. And I do a lot of breath work, meditation, cold water therapy, all of that. So. And in the middle.

:: 26:26

Of the night I was doing some.

:: 26:28

Work and meditation and they've had a freezing cold shower this morning, which I know is not everybody's cup of tea, but I know that is really good for me. It will silence any anxiety that's coming up. It will literally level me and make me OK. I've done my journaling and I've I've done some cards and I have. I will nail today because I'm going into the day.

:: 26:48

With my own cup filled up in my own way, and that's different for for everybody I know.

:: 26:54

That, but it's about finding the things that that work for you. You mentioned getting outside and walking in nature as a child. That's something I hated to do my.

:: 27:04

Dad's ever.

:: 27:04

Gonna go.

:: 27:05

For a walk.

:: 27:05

I thought it was like the most terrible thing. Why would you wanna walk? Or you could just sit and watch TV all day. But now I love nothing more than you know.

:: 27:14

Wrapping up and getting out on a walk, I've been out this morning walking colder, the better for me, and connecting nature cause sometimes the smallest things. You know, it's free, isn't it? We don't need any money for that. We can breathe in that lovely, you know, fresh air and experienced nature in in many forms, whether that's by water, even if it's just down the.

:: 27:33

We, you know, and and when doing that and I like to practise a lot of mindfulness. So even just like people, people perceive meditation, that you've got to kind of sit in a meditation stance. And although I do have a Buddha in front of.

:: 27:47

Me, I don't.

:: 27:47

Sit with a Buddha to meditate. You can meditate while you're out walking. You can literally just stop. Look at a leaf.

:: 27:54

Look at all the details you know I love it when it's really frosty and you can see a spiders web and you can actually see all the intricate details of all of that. I've actually just focusing and.

:: 28:05

Helping yourself to.

:: 28:06

Silence your mind and and to bring you back to yourself. So thinking about, you know, the things that you wanna do and and how you're feeling and really checking in with yourself. So walking in nature for me is massive. But equally if you don't wanna walk in nature you know sitting in front of a fire. If you haven't got a fire.

:: 28:25

I sometimes put a huge.

:: 28:26

Tube clip on my TV that is a fire cause you get that whole ********* sound, so something I would do to help myself in between Christmas and a year if I needed to recharge. Yes, I'd walk in nature and I do my cold and all of that, but I actually might just allow myself to snuggle up with my duvet and watch Christmas movies cause that is something I.

:: 28:46

I'm on the go.

:: 28:48

All the time, like I've just never stop.

:: 28:50

So that is so.

:: 28:53

Unlike me to do something like that.

:: 28:55

That that would probably feel like a.

:: 28:56

Real treat for me to to actually stop and.

:: 28:59

I need to.

:: 29:00

Watch some Christmas movie.

:: 29:01

It's I think it's making sure that whatever it is that you want to do that you can prioritise individually.

:: 29:09

Ourselves, because I think there's so many people out there who are just giving and doing for everyone else all of the time, particularly at Christmas. You know, if if people are mums and dads and all that whole thing going on and I think it is just been OK with like you say just down.

:: 29:24

Tools and just go and permission to.

:: 29:27

And I think that's where.

:: 29:28

We lose but the.

:: 29:29

Pressure of Christmas. We lose that there is going to be a little bit of not the routine, so let's embrace it. Let's do the sitting on the sofa and watching 2 movies on the trot. If that's what you want to do.

:: 29:41

Or, you know, giving yourself permission.

:: 29:45

That feels to me like a sort of strong things. We've got courage around maybe speaking up and then we've got giving yourself permission to just say, you know what, I don't need to do anything else today. People often say to me, well, I couldn't possibly do nothing, but I often say, well, you're never doing nothing, are you? You're doing something and then something is that nourishing.

:: 30:05

Loving self-care type of activity.

:: 30:09

Yeah. And it and it is that. And I think in the stopping and the silencing, I'm trying to think of the lovely Don Ashworth, the poet. She's got a quote that she says unstoppable, they said, but it was actually in the stopping that she found her power and and it. And it is that that actually when we can stop and really connect with ourselves.

:: 30:30

And and you talk about and I talk about a lot going within and actually looking at yourself and when we're in this busy mode.

:: 30:37

We would. We can't possibly hear ourselves think in, in, in action and and particularly around the Christmas period when you've got other, you know, there's not just like your internal chatter you've got, you know, generally other people around you or if not, you're getting information and a lot.

:: 30:54

Of you know.

:: 30:56

Messages around this whole perfectionism thing.

:: 31:00

Literally wherever you look, even you know on, on socials, on telly, every time you, you know, if you walk through the shop, it it it's it's everywhere, isn't it? So that can can often feel.

:: 31:13

Overwhelming and and. And we'll use that word pressure yet again we've.

:: 31:16

Used it a lot.

:: 31:18

Yeah. I think for me it's about whatever.

:: 31:21

So here we are. We're a few weeks in before Christmas now.

:: 31:26

It's about just pausing and noticing, OK, what is actually going on for me right now? Am I kind of gliding into Christmas and I'm quite organised and I'm really looking forward to it or have I got this internal anxiety and what is causing that is it?

:: 31:43

Pressure that is self pressure. That's unnecessary and you could actually reduce a bit of that. Is it because you're doing things that you don't want to do? I mean, I talk about when you say yes to something that you.

:: 31:54

Don't want to do.

:: 31:56

And you then feel really annoyed and angry with yourself, or upset with the other person. I call those dirty yeses because.

:: 32:03

Yeah, a great. It's a great word.

:: 32:05

Yeah, but it but.

:: 32:06

They are. They are they.

:: 32:07

Yeah, because what you actually mean is no, but you just get. You can see yourself nodding your head and going. Yeah, we can do that. And every part of.

:: 32:14

You goes a really wide.

:: 32:15

Why do you do that? And as soon as you then pick up the why did it do that? And then you cross with yourself.

:: 32:21

Are you cross with the other person? Are you feel resentful then? That's a dirty yes. You should not have said yes. You might have said I can't today, but I could then or there's alternatives to saying no because I know some people are terrified of saying no for fear of rejection.

:: 32:37

The fear of what will people think for fear that people think that you're no good because you've said no. But actually again, those nice safe boundaries that say.

:: 32:45

You know what?

:: 32:46

I can't do that today.

:: 32:49

If when you do say yes, it's a nice clean yes.

:: 32:53

Absolutely. I love that.

:: 32:55

Good night. So anyone listening today it's just about having a little mini assess of kind of where are you because when we don't do the mini assess, if we are really super anxious, we're not present.

:: 33:10

We're not going to create the memories that we want to have for Christmas, whether that is just sitting, watching movies. It does certainly on my list I am going for the sitting with my duvet on the sofa for definite, but I think we can then enjoy it and it's being the whole thing and I think that's where we need to pay a little bit more.

:: 33:35

Any other last little tips that you really?

:: 33:36

Would be.

:: 33:38

For me it would be boundaries and Plan B. So in terms of just making sure that you are keeping aligned with with your own personal boundaries of which which aligns with your, your dirty and clean yeses for sure.

:: 33:54

But equally in that you're.

:: 33:58

Kind of self-care boundaries of whether that's a, you know, a hot soak in the bath after a busy day or the night before. You know, you're gonna have a busy day or when you put the kids to bed before you start cleaning the house and cooking and everything else that you literally.

:: 34:10

Just take that time whether.

:: 34:11

It's a walk around the block or, you know, snuggling up on the sofa for 10 minutes. It and having a cup of tea, but actually.

:: 34:18

Doing that consciously and being present in that, that you're really not just, you know, doing fine gazillion things while you're having that cup of tea, just sit.

:: 34:26

Thing and being and maybe just kind of connecting and just go. What is it I need right now and you know whether you do that in the morning or the evening, just spending those it can, you know it can be just under a minute to be able to just sit and go. What does you know I would go.

:: 34:41

What does name?

:: 34:42

Need today and and and just sort of thinking of that and then having a bland.

:: 34:47

So if you do feel you know that.

:: 34:51

Expectations are there. Go with your plan A, but always just have a bit of a back up plan so that you're not then going into you know, any feelings of of aloneness and rejection, abandonment, that type of stuff, or Plan B is always a good option. Yeah, like that. I think it is important, isn't it? Cause we're sets such rigid expectations and then.

:: 35:11

When we're dealing with the people or things, I mean the weather sometimes can be the thing that stops people doing things. You know the snow or there's ice or something. It's always not being so disappointed. I mean, I.

:: 35:23

Can remember you.

:: 35:23

Know you. You talked before about your.

:: 35:26

Saw myself, you know, I would have been so disappointed if something didn't go to plan. Like, devastated and and it's just doesn't serve you, does it? Because stuff will happen. Life isn't. Yes.

:: 35:37

Life is uncertain, isn't it? And you know, I I talk about actually locked down a lot of of we all lived through uncertainty. We all had to get really comfortable with uncertainty. And it's only the same thing. Like life is uncertain and and we put these expectations on, but actually anything could happen tomorrow or this afternoon in the next 10 minutes.

:: 35:56

You know, we don't know what's gonna happen. So I think the more we can get on the get not uncomfortable.

:: 36:02

The more we can get.

:: 36:03

Table with uncertainty and the better. And if you do, if you are a little bit like me that likes to have like I like a plan, I like a list I like. I like all of that stuff, which is why I like to have my plan A and my Plan B, because then it just gives me that that layer to kind of fall on if you like it, if I do plummet a little bit.

:: 36:23

If you know and meant to be going out and and plans get cancelled last minute, let that I'm not gonna, you know, I spend quite a lot of time alone. If my if my daughters are are going off and and doing stuff and I've got a lot of friends. So I'm very lucky. But it's sometimes if a plan doesn't go to plan.

:: 36:43

Then it is going to be alone, but actually I never feel alone as I am because I have learned to really love myself and connect with my own unhappiness. But as long as you're aware of that and and know that, you know, I'll know straight away. Well, it's alright. Because if that happens, I'm gonna literally sit, do some journaling. I'm gonna watch a movie.

:: 37:03

I'm gonna have a hot bath or I'm gonna go and do something else, but just being having options, I would say of leaving. If you plan the options in place.

:: 37:14

I think so. I think as well.

:: 37:16

It's just noticing, isn't it? If you don't feel right, as soon as you can notice. I mean, I talk about this so much as as soon as you can notice that you're just feeling a bit low or a bit anxious.

:: 37:29

Anytime, but particularly this time of year because it will feel more exaggerated. Just think about a lot of the things we've talked about today and just what's your one.

:: 37:37

Thing that you're gonna do. What is it that you're gonna do this rather than sit with that horrible.

:: 37:42

Feeling at this time of year, I would urge people to go and find something else. Other times a year, I sometimes urge people.

:: 37:49

To sit with their uncomfortable feelings because there's so much goodness comes come out of there. But I would say for this time of year, go and do that nourishing thing, or that reach out to someone else.

:: 38:01

And I think while we're on that subject, it is worth mentioning that this time of year, with all the additional pressures and.

:: 38:11

To be to conform and have this perfect life. If you are struggling, reaching out and getting help so you know I'm very well aware in in the work that I do and and I saw you, Allison, with the work that you do that there are some incredible, incredible charities.

:: 38:30

Them out there that can help and support you. So if you are struggling please do use one of the amazing hotlines. So for me it will be Samara.

:: 38:37

Titans under 35. There's incredible charity called Papyrus which you that they have hope line as the line and Andy's man Club. They meet 7:00 on a Monday every Monday they don't do bank holidays. But apart from that but that I have a big sign posting section and my website and what I would say is you know.

:: 38:57

Speak to it. A family or friend member. If you can't speak to a family or a friend member, make sure that you reach out and and contact one of the one of the amazing charity lines.

:: 39:08

I think that's a brilliant reminder.

:: 39:09

And we'll put all of those in the show notes.

:: 39:12

So that people can click straight through. If they do feel.

:: 39:15

You need to speak to someone else because.

:: 39:18

You won't be the only one.

:: 39:21

And I think that's something so important to remember.

:: 39:24

Yeah. And the other thing I want to mention with that as well, there is a perception that if you are worried about somebody else, which very often happens, you know I have a lot of people that reach out to me to say I'm worried about a family member. They don't know that they can actually contact those same help lines so.

:: 39:40

It's not just if you are struggling, you can also contact those help help lines if you are worried about somebody to get hands on advice.

:: 39:48

Of what to say, how to cope with the situation and all of that. So I know a lot of people said to me or I don't want to waste their time. You're not wasting their time. That is exactly what they are there.

:: 39:57

To do and help you with.

:: 39:59

Brilliant. That's a great reminder cause I think it is worrying when you've got somebody that you're really, really worried about and I think family members do need to feel our friends do need to feel they've got somewhere they can go too. Absolutely. Ohh, thank you so much for sharing this space with me.

:: 40:16

o this is our last episode of: 2023

:: 40:37

Whatever that might be.

:: 40:39

Small, big or indifferent, and all the things that Naomi and I have talked about today, I want to also thank everyone for listening during this period. We've been running this podcast since May this year and we've created 30 episodes and I'm so grateful to everyone who has listened in and to all my wonderful guests.

:: 40:59

But thank you.

:: 40:59

Naomi for today and have a wonderful Christmas too.

:: 41:05

You too.

:: 41:09

Thank you for listening and sharing in this episode of Mental Wealth. Remember, you can subscribe wherever you get your podcast. My last question to you is what is the one small thing that you can take action on from this episode? Message me on Instagram or through our website with questions you'd like me to.

:: 41:30

Blog you'll find the links in the show notes.

:: 41:33

I'll be back with more tools and tips to make sense of your mind in the next episode. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Bye for now.