Episode 31
Find your tribe w/ Lisa Harper
Join us on Mental Wealth Podcast for a deep dive into finding your tribe and connecting with the right people in life. Lisa Harper And I explore our personal stories, practical tips, and how sometimes the tribe we think benefits us, doesn't. Whether you're on a professional journey or seeking genuine friendships, this episode provides insights to guide you on your path to building meaningful connections.
Thank you to Lisa for joining us this week and sharing her wisdom. Make sure to join her community and join the tribe: Find Your Tribe.Club
To find out more , or to get in touch:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/2mindsuk
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/alison2minds/
Twitter - https://twitter.com/alisonblackler
Linkedin - https://www.linkedin.com/in/alison-blackler-1686a121/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPWMpkuAeRq5qkgrxbZsx_g
Want to be a guest on the podcast?
https://2-minds.co.uk/mental-wealth-podcast-guest/
Transcript
Episode 31 - Find your tribe
Transcript
::Welcome to mental wealth, the podcast to invest in your mind. Here I will help you make sense of your mind and behaviours, giving you the tools to have your best life. There is so much.
::To share, so let's get.
::Into this episode and explore another great top.
:: ::So welcome to episode 31 and.
::Here we are in.
:: January: ::Thank you, Allison, for having me along. It's I've been really thrilled and you're inviting me to come on to the podcast. So I'm looking forward to our chat.
::Me too. Me too. So, Lisa, tell everyone a.
::Little bit more.
::About you first to get us started.
:: 've lived in the NW for since: ::But I moved up to the NW when I got married to my first husband and a couple of kids.
:: in business for myself since: ::I've had about.
::30 plus years in HR, HR, consultancy, predominantly. But the last, I'd say, five years I've been more focused on coaching and mentoring business owners.
::On really understanding the purpose of their business and how to engage much more effectively with their employees and and I've transitioned that a little bit more now because as I say to people.
::People you know when they ask about me, you know of my life is in three sections. The 1st 35 years.
::I'm now coming.
::To the end of the 2nd 35 years, and I'm now about to embark on the next 35 years.
::So in the last 12 months I've created a club called Find your tribe.club.
::And that is.
::Predominantly being born out of people asking me to pull something together where they can.
::Follow what I wear and and you know my.
::Thoughts. My ideas and sort of bringing the tribe of people like minded people together and.
::So I'll find.
::A tribe.club has been born out of that and I.
::Guess the four.
::Cornerstones of Finder.
::Tribe.Club and our values it's about.
::collaboration, it's about connectivity because we all need to feel connected. It's about camaraderie. You know, most of my long time friends I've met through networking, that's how we met Alison and then last but not least, it's about building a community, a community where you feel that you belong.
::And a community where.
::You feel that someone's got.
::Your back. So. So that's where I'm up to now, Alison.
::All of that, and I remember you saying.
::The your life is in stages. When I first heard you speaking and I thought, I love that idea of saying I've had my for the 1st 35 years and then I'm here I am and I just think it's really healthy to see it like that to sort of see it in stages because life is is a bit like that anyway, isn't it? So I think it'd be brilliant.
::For us to hone in on almost the essence of.
::What your club is about, but also just helping people think about themselves, because I like the the episodes to have that relatable Ness about how important it is to have.
::People around you to have your tribe so that you can have, as you say, the connection, the, the collaboration, the building up and how important that is. I think it's important for us just to raise that possibility, cause some people do find themselves not mixing with the right people or.
::Mixing with anyone at all, particularly with the way that some people's jobs have gone working from home. So let's have a think about what, what do you think is the most important thing around that whole essence of finding your tribe?
::Whatever that might look.
:: I moved from the Midlands in: ::I've never lived in.
::The NW all I knew about the NW was Coronation Street and that was my vision of what Manchester looked like. I was very surprised when I moved.
::Here, but it was, you know, it wasn't like that at all. But but I guess I left my tribe at home and I was absolutely bereft, you know? Yes. I'd come to start a new life with my new husband. But, you know, I've left my family the youngest of.
::Eight kids. My.
::Support network and I used to have to go home.
::Every weekend, because honestly, I was beside myself and I think that's the thing about a tribe. The first tribe you ever belonged to is your family, tribe good or bad, because there might be some people going. Ohh, I'd been part of my, you know, my.
::Family's a pain in the ****.
::But they are. That is your first tribal experience. But I was very, very fortunate because when I meant to move.
::To the North West.
::My husband worked in a.
::Business and he got some nice contacts and he socialised and made some really, really good friends. And so I started to build that nucleus of friendship.
::So the the visits back home became less frequent. And then obviously I started to have my own little.
::Tribe, you know.
::In 79 My first daughter was born.
::And in 83, my second daughter was born, so I'd really start to build that community. And and I did work part time. You know, I worked in a pub. I sold Tupperware because I needed to feel that sense of belonging.
::But as time went on.
::Obviously I started to create a tribe within my workplace and I think it's so important if we Fast forward to now. You know, I talk about the 2nd 35 years of my life in that second 35 years of my life. You know, I got divorced.
::From a husband.
::That was traumatic and I really did need my, I guess my social tribe around me and my family try it. I remarried and we talk about mental Wellness. You know, my my second marriage, my, my husband committed suicide and, you know, and.
::That was extremely traumatic for me. You know, all that sort of stuff which, you know, I don't want you to make it sound like poor.
::Me, but again.
::If I hadn't have the support of my kids.
::My family, my friends, I cannot tell you the amount of people who came together.
::To help me.
::And that's why I've always advocated you've gotta be part of a tribe. If your family tribe isn't the right tribe or your social tribe isn't the right tribe, you've gotta find a tribe that really, really does.
::Support you because it's so important to have that support network.
::You mentioned Alison, you know, particularly now since sort of since COVID and the whole thing working from home, I think COVID for most people was a really difficult time because of isolation and everybody found a ways to try and connect. Thank God for zoom and teams and.
::All of that.
::Sort of stuff.
::But for me, my tribe has has.
:: Has become I guess, this year: ::Men to join my.
::Tribe. You know it's.
::Not an exclusive female club, but it's there to provide motivation.
::Inspiration, you know, as as we get older, sometimes our prides leave us, our children go off as mine have.
::Done mine, both living in Amsterdam
::So it's about being part of a community where you can learn, you can still continue your personal development. That's brilliant for.
::Your brain it's.
::Absolutely important to get back to you, to your own authenticity and that's so important when you're part of the tribe. So that's why it's been important to me.
::I think that's brilliant. I think it's just remembering that we are social beings, aren't we? As humans? You know, this idea that we do live in, like you say, tribes or groups of people and and just paying attention to that, if that's not happening for you, I think one of the things I'd like to come back to.
::Or to highlight a little bit is when you. So you've talked a lot, Lisa, about finding your tribe and I think that the word your tribe is the most important part of that, isn't it? It's the people that can let you show up as you tap into your authenticity because there's so much fakeness out there now. You might be in a group of people.
::That they're not your tribe. But I think the thing that I'd like to just put a little bit of attention on and I'm interested.
::In what you think is when we are.
::In a dysfunctional tribe, so that might be your family as you highlighted, it could be a group of friends. It could.
::Be a group of.
::Old friends from the past, or a group of colleagues that really doesn't serve you. And yet we still.
::Keep going back.
::We still find time and gives these people.
::Time and energy, and I just wondered what your thoughts are on that, just to give people a I suppose permission really to step away from groups and tribes and families that don't work for us.
::And I think that's a really interesting point, Allison, you know.
::Look, we've all been.
::We've all had friendships and relationships and all that sort of stuff that haven't worked for us, whether they're, you know, I've been divorced.
::Or had the marriage that.
::Hasn't worked, but I think you you've just gotta be honest with yourself. You've got to ask yourself.
::Does this serve me well?
::You know. And if it doesn't serve you, you have.
::Got to find a way to extricate yourself from that situation. It isn't easy because you have loyalty. You've got all that so and so gonna say. I mean, one has helped me 100%. You know, since I've.
::Sort of been in.
::My late 30s.
::I've always been an advocate of personal development. You know, I've read. I won't. I don't say I'll read avidly because when I get into bed, I'll read the book. I can drop off to sleep, but I listen to audible. My car is my university, so I listen to development books. I'll listen to podcasts. I do training.
::Courses I.
::Do you know and I don't.
::Do a training course and the oh.
::Well, that's a.
::Good one to do. I'll walk the talk because until you until you hear from other people.
::And you think, wow.
::That's just like me. I manage to do it.
::You know I.
::Think it it.
::You can't be an.
::Island and think Oh well look.
::You know, Fred, my best friend, I've known I've known.
::Him for 200 years.
::But you know, it depresses me every time I see him, but I've gotta, you know, I've gotta be with friend. I've been his.
::Friend for two.
::100 years. Sometimes you've got to be able to say this isn't working.
::I think that's so important and I think.
::Just hearing you say that hopefully, and I'm agreeing the reminder that sometimes it is OK to just say actually no, it's not serving me and it's not actually giving me what I want because all the energy that you put into those dysfunctional things, that's almost prevent us from then.
::Putting our energy into the things that are gonna.
::Work for us.
:: and and and and this year in: ::There are a lot of women who are, you know, they've they've had successful careers.
::You know, they're they.
::They may not be doing paid work. What they're doing, some some sort of work, and they've still got such a lot to give and a lot to give to women who are experiencing all the things that they experienced.
:: ::You know and.
::Nothing is new.
::Now people think ohh.
::This is new.
:: ::Unfortunately, I feel that too much. Too much importance is put on what it says on, you know. Well, if it's on TikTok or if it's on Instagram, or if it's on Facebook, sometimes you need to listen to the people who might.
::Be able to help.
::You, you know, you may, you know.
::I'll have it before where someone says, well, I couldn't speak.
::My mum about that.
::But I can speak to you about it, Lisa.
::And it's about finding that and and some younger women.
::Don't even have them on. They haven't had the good grace for their mum to survive beyond a certain time. So that's why it's so important to have a try. If you've got these issues where you think, oh, God, this tribe are really not, you know, move yourself towards a tribe that you do start to resonate with because you know, the moment you're with people who resonate.
::It's not so.
::Hard to let go of the ones who don't
::And I think that's a really good point, isn't it? Is once you've found.
::The the new place, it becomes less important, or maybe it's more obvious then that those people were just. They're actually causing me distress, discomfort, etcetera. I think the other thing that I've noticed over the my also colourful journey of life is that when we are with the people who we're meant to be with.
::That's when we are more likely to actually grow, stretch, be more vulnerable, be more uncomfortable because they're allowing you. They're holding that space. You know, when I was back in my day where I used to think that being my tribe with the people who.
::You know, going to, I suppose, made me feel better. Actually. No, that's they they weren't doing that at all. It was a completely false situation. It was definitely the ones who let me just be me for being me sake and accepting me for that. And I think there you try. But when you find them and they didn't have too many, that's something else.
::Remember, my mum used to say to me, you know, when I was younger I used to have tonnes of friends, I thought everybody was my friend and she used to say to me, you know, you don't need loads of friends Alison and like I do mum, you know, I do. These are all really important to me. And I was.
::Doing all these things with all these people and actually one of the things that she was right about was exactly this finding. Just a few people who get you or allow you to be you is so, so important, isn't it?
::It is and those you know, those people who always every time.
::You come up with an idea and knock you down. Those aren't your.
::Friends, I mean there.
::There's there's a, you know, a.
::Well known saying that you need people.
::For a reason, a season or for life.
::If you need, if you've got if.
::You've got a half a dozen lifers in your.
::Network. You are a very blessed person.
::Yeah, those are the people.
::Who? You know, they would lie down and.
::Die for you. Yeah, you know.
::That that. Yeah.
::Do that, but there will people who will come in. They'll come into your life for.
::A reason they may.
::Come in for a short period of time, but because we're all passing through this life however long we're given on this planet, we're all passing through. And actually you have to experience some of those.
::Not so positive relationships in order to appreciate the great ones when they come along.
::Yeah. And I think you raised a good point there. It is sometimes the stuff that doesn't work out actually shows us the the most important lessons, whether that's in a relationship of friendship or a tribe. And I think for me, when I'm thinking about a tribe, you know?
::All the different kinds of things that are tribe can give you cause we have different tribes or different friends for different people. Sometimes it's it's those people that you can just go and have good laugh with and there isn't anything or there's another group or other person that you can get really deep with and you can have a really big conversation. And for me it's that sort of.
::Mixture, isn't it? Of what it is that they're giving you?
::And that's what happens in eight. Any tribe, you know, you'll have, you know, if you think about tribes then way, way back, you know, a tribe would have a hierarchy. They'd have the medicine man or the, you know, the herbal person. They would have the the wise person, the person that would always go for.
::Advice and comfort.
::And and you have that in families and.
::You have that in your social network.
::But again, you will know those people who you absolutely trust, who you know the proverbial has hit the fan and need to go and speak to someone, and it might not be the same person and a good person in a tribe would say, do you know Allison? You've got a real, you know.
::You've got something really going on there that I'd love to.
::Be able to.
::Help you with, but I actually think so and.
::So I might.
::Be able to help you, but more.
::So than me because.
::We can't fix everybody's problems. That's the other thing. You have to appreciate. You gonna try? You can't fix it for everybody.
::Yeah. And I think that's the thing about life, isn't it? With is, it's having the people there to help support you so that you can find your own answers, whatever. Whatever it is that you're looking for. But I think with a tribe that you say, it's that collection, isn't it? That makes it interesting. That collection of people rather than, I mean, obviously some people do just have one best friend.
::But I think the tribe for me feels like it's a common ground. Create that and that's where, you know, we have got the luxury if that's the right word of things like groups on Facebook where a collection of people who would never normally have come together.
::Come together.
::They do they.
::Do and I think that is so.
::Important you know that you.
::Can look on Facebook. I would, you know, despite all the challenges that I've experienced in my life, you.
::Know and I've had a few because I.
::Think I've said, you know when we.
::Spoke. Allison, you know, when I went through.
::The menopause or started the menopause. I developed breast cancer.
::Now I was.
::Fortunate because it was diagnosed early and also because of the treatment, I never really experienced the menopause, you know.
::But you know.
::And and I know some women have.
::Really, really difficult time.
::But you know that was a severe change in my life that occurred. That happened to me after my mother passed away and.
::But because I've got some good, you know, I've got.
::Sisters, older sisters, and.
::I've got some really great friends. My older sister took the role of my mum, you know, every time I had chemo she used to come and stay with me and that's what is so important. It's knowing and identifying how you can absolutely help someone.
::But if you can't help them, who else can help them?
::If you can't, and you've.
::Gotta be that navigator of, you know, you gotta be that navigator of Wiseness and information within that tribe.
::I love.
::That what we look to.
::Do. Yeah, I think that's really important, isn't it? I think the thing that is sort of standing out for me with our conversation today, Lisa, is just to encourage those that are listening today to kind.
::Of maybe just.
::Do a little mini assess on who you're hanging out with. You know, is it serving you? Are they making you?
::Feel good, are they?
::Pulling you back, or are they encouraging you? Are they your cheerleaders?
::What is it that's missing and what kind of things are you looking for to to help you? I.
::Mean if a.
::Tribe might be connected to a hobby or an activity, mightn't it? It would be absolutely any anything that's that is missing for you. And I think one of the things I notice about the way that people are is they'll often.
::He sort of unconsciously or consciously.
::Moaning about something not feeling right.
::But they're not doing anything.
::Thank you. Yeah, not doing anything about it.
::I mean the only.
::The only person who can ever put anything right for you is yourself, so you can moan till till the the the cows come home. But the only person who can take action is you and ultimately in any relationship that you have mentioned this.
::Earlier, anything that you do?
::You know, keep playing it out and keep rerunning it in your head without having some form of solution. You may not have the solution yourself at that moment in time, but that's why I encourage people. If you're part of a supported tribe, someone will help you get to that solution, whether it be a coach, whether it.
::Be a mentor.
::Someone will help you get to.
::That solution, but you can.
::Only come to that solution yourself, because you've gotta buy into it 100%.
::So. So you're absolutely right, Allison. You know you can, we can all sit back and moan forever, but moaning or being, you know, being depressed. I mean, I know depression is a really serious condition. So I'm not under. I'm I'm not underestimating that in any.
::Way but you know.
::Not getting up and.
::Doing what needs to be done. Yeah. So doing our own gift to do.
::I think so. I think that's the thing, isn't it? You can feel quite lonely and isolated or you can kind of think.
::What am I going to do? And and I think getting the right kind of people around you.
::Not only is a big step potentially.
::But it then.
::So much more is going to come out from yourself by just engaging with others and something that you said earlier. And and I'm always saying on this podcast and I learn a lot of my work is all these things help us realise that we're not on our own.
::Exactly, exactly. And I and I think that's so important. I mean I I it I I'm sure you have it near you, but there's a an.
::App called next.
::Door and it's it's an A national.
::Thing and a guy put on this comment and well, I assumed it was a woman actually. So that's, you know, that's.
::You know that cause it said something like I'm happily married. I've got a wonderful home, you know, financially everything is marvellous. I've got two grandchildren, two kids, blah, blah, blah. And I'm so lonely.
::And and then.
::When I realised it was a guy, but in that next draw app loads.
::And loads of people.
::Offered some suggestions and thoughts and ideas on what that person could do.
::And and he was.
::Clearly very, very, very, very grateful that he, you know and and so obviously in that small community there were some daft comments made on there, but I think they're quite hearty comments by the same token, I think that really helped that.
::Because and he felt he.
::Could cause it's actually guys.
::Well, I'm being I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm being in my experience, guys find it harder to reach out, you know, I mean, I talked about my husband committing suicide. He I knew he was.
::But after he died, none of his friends.
::Said we never.
::Knew the extent of Jack's depression. He never spoke about it to us and and and and I think the point about having a try that you can trust.
::It's somewhere that you can go to go to talk and yeah or no talking. Therapy is very good for us.
::Or just having that space to just know that somebody else has. It might do the talking about themselves and you then can just listen in.
::Thing OK, this is the similar for me. And then you know builds on that because you know we all know.
::That, especially men.
::Sometimes don't like to talk about these things, but I think just hearing somebody else talking about them, your tribe would.
::Offer you that.
::Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
:: rtant. So as we start January: ::If you have, are they the right people in there? What kind of things? And I think one of the things that I hope we can highlight from this is to say it's OK if you haven't got the right people around you. What are you going to do to kind of alleviate that?
::Yeah. And and honestly, you know, if if people wanna look into find your tribe Dot club a bit more, you can have a look on on Facebook as the year as the year progresses and we'll be building a web page on that's all being sorted as we speak. But look, you know, just find the people who bring your joy.
::You only have to be one person.
::Doesn't have to be a dozen people. It can be one.
::Person who brings you.
::Joy. Yeah. And find that one person.
::And I think something that I want to highlight there again and kind of keeping in mind people who might feel a little bit isolated, Christmas can be quite difficult for people who don't feel like they've got a a big family or a big tribe if you like, is too.
::To reach out, I hear people often say, you know, you know, I didn't want to reach out to them because I think they're really busy and they possibly haven't got time for me and things. And that's where a group, A tribe, there's always gonna be somebody available.
::As in the in that group that.
::Tribe, I think just keeping that in mind of of it's OK to.
::Reach out and and ask for help because so many people do find that quite difficult to do.
::People make assumptions. You.
::Know they say. Ohh. You know when this happened to me in the past, you know, people have said, oh, well, I didn't want to ask.
::You for any.
::Help this cause I know you're dead busy. Well.
::Give me the choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. Ask. And if I can help, I will. If I can't.
::I'll be.
::As honest to.
::Say I can't help at this time, but what about?
::*** you know, so don't make assumptions because we all make assumptions in our head. We all talk ourselves out.
::Of doing stuff.
::We really do, don't we? And I think when it's something that matters to you and we know that social connection and being able to kind of share with people is is just it's the gloom really to so much of the way humans feel good and how the mind can feel good. So when we're denying ourselves that, it's just so important.
::It is it it it is. It is really important to reach out and.
::Do you know there's so many great?
::You know great events out there that people can attend online in person. You know, people can go on to meet up, which is another great way to meet new people out. So it's just about putting your toe in the water and and really, really trying to experience something different.
::But you never know, something different could be just the thing you've been looking for.
::We'll love that and I think ohh it could be something new and something fresh or it could be something that.
::You used to do.
:: e. And I'm just wondering now: ::I go back.
::Yeah. Come on, Alice. And get those dance shoes out.
::Get back to my little dancing tribe. Yeah. So yeah. Brilliant. Ohh. Thank you, Lisa, for coming and sharing this space with me today.
::Now, honestly, Allison, I've really, really looked at it and loved our talk and I and it's a thing that I, you know, it's something I hold dear to my heart. And I I just, none of us are meant to be alone. And I think we all want to be part of some.
::Form of community.
::Just as I I was on a call earlier.
::In the week and.
::And guys, he's an IT guy. He's got an IT company and he said he thought that all of his team would not want to come back into the office because they're all IT geeks as he described them, not my description. That was his description. And he said he was really, really surprised after COVID how they all wanted to come back into the office and.
::Didn't want to work.
::Home and that's what I found with my HR hat on. Although a lot of people liked working from home, they actually missed the camaraderie. Yeah, being in the workplace.
::I think that's something that a lot of businesses are still navigating. You know that sort of mixture and how you help people.
::Who are different? Because every person in your teams gonna be different. Some like you say love working from home and are really happy. And then others are absolutely at the other end of the scale. But I think it's the.
::The mixture that businesses are working on because your work, your work colleagues are a tribe of some form.
::They are good or bad.
::Fine, they are. They are.
::Brilliant. Thank you so much. Lisa really enjoyed our conversation.
::Thanks, Allison.
::So in next week's episode, we are going to share the space with Lucy Gossard who is a 14 time triathlete. She is an incredible woman. I did the.
::The Yorkshire three peaks with her in September last year and I can't wait to share with you our conversation.
::Thank you for listening and sharing in this episode of Mental Wealth. Remember, you can subscribe wherever you get your podcast. My last Christian to you is what is the one small thing that you can take action on from this episode? Message me.
::On Instagram or through our website.
::With questions you'd like me.
::To explore, you'll find the links in the show notes.
::I'll be back with more tools and tips to make sense of your mind in the next step of the. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Bye for now.
